What is an Emotionally Immature Parent?
Since the 2015 publication of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” by Lindsay Gibson, the idea of emotional immaturity has gained traction in mental health. It is now seen as a source of suffering for many. Gibson's work on emotional immaturity, or "EI," has helped adults with troubled parental relationships. They now find the understanding, validation, and comfort they have longed for. Being raised by someone who fits this mold often harms children. They may suffer from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and even trauma. These issues often start in childhood and continue into adulthood.
So, what exactly does this term, “emotionally immature” mean?When we talk about emotional immaturity, we are referring to a rigid set of behavioral, emotional and mental characteristics that persist over time. They are hardened personality traits that are largely automatic and unconscious, and the person doing them is generally unaware of what they are doing, why they’re doing it, and the emotional consequences it has on the people closest to them.
Characteristics of Emotionally Immature Parents and People May Include:
Rigidity and Narrow-Mindedness
They can be opinionated, judgmental and hold black-and-white ideas of right and wrong. All with little room for nuance. The way they look at things also tends to be simplified and superficial, and they will resist delving deeper. Often, they are resistant to new ideas, especially new information that challenges their existing beliefs. This is in part due to fact that to consider a new idea or perspective may imply that they were wrong in their previous thinking. The blow to their ego may be too much for them to handle. So, you will often see them dig their heels in, however illogical they may be, when faced with new ideas or information. This inflexibility often makes it difficult for them to work well with others. They will position themselves professionally and personally so that they can run the show. It also makes it difficult for them to achieve any sustained personal growth either on their own or in therapy.
Impulsivity
Emotionally immature parents (EIP) also tend to react emotionally without thinking about of the potential consequences of their behavior. This is due to their tendency toward affective realism and egocentrism. We will explain these ideas later. These individuals also struggle with delayed gratification. They view their wants as most important, above others' needs. In their minds, it makes perfect sense that their desires come first. And the idea that others’ needs or wants should be a consideration feels like a gross injustice. Their inflated sense of entitlement fuels impatience and stress intolerance.
Defensiveness
Operating from relatively non-existent self-esteem, emotionally immature individuals easily feel attacked by others. Leading them to use various defense strategies. This can be a strategy such as denial, diversion, or counterattack. It can also be a defense called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). A strategy that is often associated with Narcissism (more on that later). Emotionally mature people may wonder why chats about daily topics, like chores or dinner, turn into fierce fights. You may innocently ask, “where should we go for dinner?” And the next thing you know, you’re apologizing for being “so rude and selfish” as to suggest Italian. Because you know your EI partner doesn’t like lasagna. You may ask yourself, “Why does every discussion turn into a fight?”
Stress Intolerance
Emotionally immature parents and partners have a difficult time managing the everyday bumps on the road of life (i.e. minor injury, disagreement with a coworker, traffic, an unexpected expense, etc.). It may seem like they are looking for a reason to get upset. And you may be right. With their egocentric mindset, anything that goes wrong can be perceived as a personal attack.
Affective Realism
In this context, “affect” refers to mood. This is an interesting trait…One that explains much of the erratic and illogical behavior. Behavior that leaves more emotionally mature people wringing their hands at the actions of an EI person. It’s also closely tied to the egocentric EI mindset. With affective realism, what is real and true is based on how an EI person FEELS. Gibson describes it as a subjective versus an objective way of assessing situations. With little room for a perspective outside their own, EI folks make decisions based on what feels best in the moment. Therefore, bypassing logic, facts and others’ perspectives. Reality is what feels best, most advantageous and righteous…At this moment… Based on their personal experience… In the moment.
Egocentrism
As children, we are all egocentric at some point. It’s a normal phase of development. This is a biological, survival instinct that helps us get our needs met. But as we mature and become more secure. We are able to let go of our defenses and look beyond our own immediate needs to the needs of others and the greater community. EI persons never develop a secure sense of self. They continue to operate from this place of defensiveness and self-involvement. Afraid that they will be exposed as “bad, inadequate or unlovable” (Gibson 2015). Most interactions with others are perceived as a battle in which the goal is to dominate, to power over the other, all in service to fueling the ever-elusive self-esteem.
Low to no empathy
Due to this egocentrism, it’s difficult for them to see beyond their own emotional experience. And again, since their reality is based on their feelings, they are challenged to view situations outside of their own perspective. Adding to that, their conscious emotional experience is relatively superficial. It’s also lacking in deeper, more complex understanding of emotions. For example, an EI person may bemoan the oppression of a marginalized group while in conversation at a party with strangers. But they will forego any efforts to actually support said group on their own. EI persons like to TALK, but rarely WALK the talk. They may expect—or even demand—empathy for their struggles. Yet, they won’t reciprocate the same compassion for others who go through similar experiences.
Inconsistent and Contradictory
Due to affective realism, people's feelings shape their view of reality. Feelings are temporary and always changing. So, it's likely that EI people will change their minds. They may express different or even completely opposing opinions to what they may have expressed before. As their opinions—much like their emotional states—will change with the tides. Additionally—and likely the more infuriating aspect of this inconsistency—is that due to this affective realism, they will deny they ever said anything different than their current stance. In their minds, anything they have said or done in the past that contradicts the present. It may as well have never happened. All because it isn’t aligned with what they are experiencing right now. This is why, it’s useless to reflect to them their contradictory behavior.
Focused on the Physical
Emotionally immature parents tend to meet their children's basic needs: food, clothing, and shelter. Even meeting needs related to education and activities. They can also be attentive caretakers when a child is physically ill or injured. As these also fall into the category of physical needs. Nevertheless, these parents can be incapable of providing emotional support. The lack of emotional support but, caring when sick, can confuse and distress these children. These children deny their own experiences of emotional neglect. They tell themselves, "I never went without." Their EI parent often echoes this sentiment. They become adult children of emotionally immature parents wishing to never treat another human being as they were growing up.
Fear of Emotions
Emotionally immature people grew up in homes where spontaneous expressions of genuine emotion was criticized, judged, or even worse, punished. Adult children of emotionally immature parents eventually internalize the belief that emotions are not safe. Then they continue to operate as such when they become parents, themselves. That’s not to say you won’t find them expressing emotions. Their emotional responses may seem exaggerated. They may be easily triggered by others. However, the nature of their emotional responses will be superficial and often restricted.
One thing to keep in mind is that all these characteristics exist on a spectrum. At the severe end, you will see more traits. Behaviors will be more intense and frequent. The mindset will be harder. This end allows for little self-reflection and accountability. So, there is little chance for change or growth. At the lighter end, there's an ability to see how their actions and thoughts harm others. In fact, some of the immature behaviors may stem from what was modeled to them as children rather than a more hardened, unconscious mindset. And with a willingness and genuine desire to change. It’s possible to shift the way they relate to others and themselves, and experience true personal growth and healing.
So, Where Does This Leave the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?
In a way, adult children of emotionally immature parents can be viewed as lost children. Based on Gibson’s research, these children tend to go one of two ways. They either become externalizers, like their immature parents, or internalizers. Internalizers carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They have been conditioned to take emotional responsibility for others. They're so busy worrying about others that they can't think about their own well-being. Even when they do, they feel guilty and chastise themselves for being selfish. This is a result of conditioning from the EI parent from an early age.
Internalizers often fly under the radar. They just want to be left alone and blend into the scenery while they put their nose to the grindstone. They do this to avoid negative attention. They want to prove their worth to the universe. It’s often a lonely existence. But, that loneliness feels safer than dealing with my toxic, needy parents. Those who internalize in response to these difficult upbringings tend to suffer from symptoms from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. To be raised in a house with an emotionally immature parent is to have experienced chronic emotional abuse that leaves invisible scars. Even the children who grow up to be externalizers and similar to their parents, also tend to suffer from anxiety and depression.
But If They Are Too Far Gone on the Spectrum, Their Ability to Heal is Near Impossible.
Yet, it can be different for those who can take an honest look at themselves and are willing to challenge the way they show up in the world. Or for those willing to systematically let down their defenses and build trust in others. Not only in the world but in themselves. And for those willing to be brave and challenge their fears, growth, recovery, healing, and creating a meaningful and fulfilling life is possible. And therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents in Raleigh & throughout North Carolina can help you get there.
Change the Way You Show Up with Therapy for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents in Raleigh & Throughout North Carolina
If you are ready to take an honest look at yourself and are willing to challenge the way you show up in relationships, I am here to help. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializes in online therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents in Raleigh, NC. Through our work together via online therapy in North & South Carolina, we’ll explore how past family dynamics impact your present. So we can help you break free from old patterns and develop healthier ways of relating. Let’s work towards building a life where you feel empowered, grounded, and authentically yourself.
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Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents, I offer specialized support tailored to the unique experiences of LGBTQIA+ folx and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy, inclusivity, and respect, providing a safe space where you can explore your identity, navigate societal challenges, and feel truly seen and valued. My other therapy services include Therapy for LGBTQIA+ Folx and Therapy for People Living in Larger Bodies. I understand that each individual’s journey is unique, and I am committed to offering personalized support that honors your experiences and challenges.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie has taken a meandering path, starting as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., serving in the U.S. Peace Corps as an education volunteer and then becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) in 2012. Her career in mental health has included working with children, families, and adults in a variety of settings, including schools, in-home services, community mental health and substance abuse centers, as well as a bariatric surgery center.
In recent years, Stephanie’s focus in private practice has been helping members of the LGBTQIA+ population and individuals living in larger bodies heal from experiences of discrimination. She’s also passionate about helping those who have suffered chronic emotional abuse from an emotionally immature/narcissistic parent or partner. Stephanie has trained with Lindsay Gibson, psychologist and best-selling author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” to help these individuals learn to love themselves and find well-deserved peace and contentment in their lives.