Surviving the Holidays with Emotionally Immature Parents
It’s that time of year again…the boxes of decorations are brought down from the attic, lights are draped across the porch, the stockings are hung by the chimney with care…and everyone crosses their fingers and holds their breath for a drama-free holiday. It could happen, right? Sure. Do you believe in miracles?
Seriously though, navigating the holidays with emotionally immature (EI) parents or parents who are narcissists can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. It's a time when old dynamics rear their ugly heads, and your EI parent’s behavior might sting just a little bit more. However, with some preparation and coping strategies, you can get through the season with your mental health still intact…for the most part. Here are some tips for navigating the holidays with an emotionally immature parent:
1. Set Realistic Expectations
Don’t Expect Change: Your Emotionally Immature parent isn’t likely to show up any different than they have in the past. In fact, it’s quite common that as they age, those problematic traits that send you spiraling are likely to get worse. You can cope by working on accepting things as they are. Once you accept that their behavior is not likely to be any different or better during the holidays, you can move on to how you can minimize the emotional fallout. For many adult children of emotionally immature parents, working with a therapist experienced in these dynamics can provide invaluable support.
Focus on What You Can Control: You can’t control what other people do, think or say, especially when they’re not interested in listening or considering a perspective outside their own. But you can control your reactions, your boundaries, and how much you engage with disrupters of your peace. Shift your focus to what you need during the holidays rather than trying to change or fix them.
2. Set Boundaries Early
Know Your Limits: Before you even interact, think about your emotional and mental boundaries. What behaviors will you not tolerate and how will you communicate the line is crossed? What topics are off-limits for discussion? Clearly identify these before the situation arises.
Communicate Boundaries Calmly: If your parent is prone to crossing boundaries, express your needs calmly and assertively. For example, “I know you want to talk about X, but I’m not comfortable discussing that right now.” Even if they become emotionally reactive and raise their voice, remember you don’t have to match their energy, and you can de-escalate the situation by staying calm and keeping an even tone. Remember, they WANT a reaction. Don’t take the bait.
Have an Exit Strategy: Know when it’s time to step away from a situation. This might mean leaving early, taking a walk, or finding a quiet place to regroup. You can always return once you’ve had a break.
3. Don’t Take It Personally
Recognize the EI behavior for what it is: Emotionally immature parents, including parents who are narcissists, often react impulsively, lack empathy, and have difficulty seeing things from others' perspectives. Their behavior is more about their own emotional deficits than it is about you. You’re going to feel triggered sometimes…you’re only human. But just remember that their negative behaviors are not a reflection of your worth.
Detach Emotionally: If they start behaving in a way that triggers you, try to detach emotionally. This doesn’t mean being cold or dismissive, but rather protecting yourself from taking their behavior too personally. Try coming up with a mantra to tell yourself in the moment like, “This isn’t about me.” or “I am not responsible for their emotional well-being.” Practice your mantra over and over before you’re ever in front of your EI parent. Use the reminder app or calendar on your smartphone to schedule alerts with your mantra.
4. Manage Your Expectations of Their Behavior
They May Be Self-Centered: Emotionally immature people often have trouble considering the needs or feelings of others. Don’t be surprised if they turn conversations back to themselves or seem to lack empathy or interest in others.
Expect Overreaction or the Cold Shoulder: If your parent is prone to emotional outbursts, recognize that these are often a reflection of their own emotional immaturity or narcissistic tendencies and not a reflection of the situation. A therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents in North Carolina can help you reframe these moments and reduce their emotional impact. Same goes for the rejecting parent, who seems utterly annoyed by having to deal with you at all. Avoid engaging in power struggles and manage urges to argue your case. (For more on “dropping your case”, check out this article from Rick Hanson https://rickhanson.com/drop-case/)
5. Limit Exposure if Necessary
Create Physical Distance: If being around your parent is too stressful, it’s okay to limit your time together. Prioritize self-care and take breaks as needed.
Time and Space for Yourself: If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take breaks. Step outside, go for a walk, or retreat to a quiet room for some breathing space. If you are traveling long distances to visit your EI parent, you may choose to stay in a hotel or with another relative rather than with your EI parent. Plan your sleeping arrangements early so you can communicate them firmly.
When deciding whether to host holiday gatherings, keep in mind that it’s easier to leave someone else’s home than it is to get someone to leave yours. As Benjamin Franklin says, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Restaurants are also perfectly acceptable venues for gatherings with the added bonus that anyone can choose to leave whenever they want.
6. Don’t Get Drawn Into Drama
Avoid Arguments: Emotionally immature people often thrive on drama or chaos. If your parent tries to provoke you or drag you into an argument, try to disengage calmly. Don’t feed into the conflict.
Keep Responses Neutral: If they’re being difficult or combative, you can try to respond with short, neutral phrases like, “I hear what you're saying,” or “I don’t have anything more to add to that conversation.” This avoids escalating the situation. You can also employ the “gray rock” method of censoring what you share with them so that you don’t give them any grist for the mill. Keep answers simple and boring.
7. Practice Compassion, But Don’t Enable
Explanation, not Excuse: Let’s face it…your EI parent probably didn’t have the best childhood, either. But whatever struggles they dealt with, whether it was abuse, neglect or dealing with their own EI parent, they are still accountable for their own actions. Compassion for their struggles can help you cope, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate harmful behavior.
Avoid Enabling: Offering excuses for their behavior or allowing them to act without consequences can reinforce their immature behaviors. Hold your boundaries even when it's hard and avoid giving in to manipulative or selfish behavior.
Pause: People often underestimate the power of a pause. A pause can mean the difference between feeding into your EI parent’s latest tactic (and giving them the reaction they want) or taking the wind out of their sails. It can also help you to step back, get a broader view of what’s going on and keep you from getting sucked into the content of today’s conflict.
Be Wary of Recruits: EI folks can be very skilled at playing the victim and villainizing those who try to hold them accountable. They will often plead their case to other family members who may take up their cause. Another unsuspecting family member may give you a guilt trip on behalf of your EI parent. Same rules apply. Hold your boundaries and don’t give in just because Aunt Eunice says, “Remember, you only get one mother!”
8. Find Support and Set Up a Safety Net
Talk to Someone You Trust: Before and after spending time with your parent, talk to a friend, therapist, or family member who understands the situation. A therapist who provides therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents can provide validation and emotional support.
Strength in Numbers: If your partner or a trusted loved one is joining you for the visit, discuss strategies ahead of time for managing the dynamics and plan for a united front.
Join in on Positive Activities: Try to make time for positive experiences outside of family gatherings. Engage in activities that help you decompress, whether it’s spending time with friends, practicing self-care, or volunteering.
9. Consider Your Emotional Health
Know When to Let Go: If being around this parent is too damaging or abusive, it may be worth considering whether spending time with them at all is in your best interest. Sometimes distancing yourself from an emotionally immature or toxic person can be the healthiest choice.
Self-Care Is Essential: Take time for yourself to decompress before and after encounters with your parent. Meditate, journal, exercise, or do something creative to stay grounded.
10. Practice Gratitude for What You Can Control
Focus on the Positive: Try to focus on the things you enjoy about the holidays and the people who bring joy to your life. Practice gratitude for those moments and let them be a buffer against the negative emotions that might come from spending time with your parent.
Decompress: If possible, try to fit in a day off as an emotional buffer between family time and returning to work. You can use that time to process difficult feelings, nurture yourself through nutrition, rest or movement practices, or spend time with people who feed your soul.
Dealing with an emotionally immature parent during the holidays requires a mix of boundaries, self-care, and emotional detachment. Recognize that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues and not a reflection of you. By managing expectations, staying true to your own needs, and finding support, you can get through the season without sacrificing your emotional well-being. Or, if you need some support prepping for the holidays, consider therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents in North Carolina and South Carolina to help you do just that.
Reclaim Your Peace with Therapy for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents in Raleigh and Across North Carolina
Navigating the challenges of having emotionally immature or narcissistic parents can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist who specializes in helping adult children of emotionally immature parents in Raleigh, NC, and beyond. Together, through online therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina, we’ll uncover how past family dynamics have shaped your present. We’ll work to break free from harmful patterns, set healthy boundaries, and build a life rooted in self-love, confidence, and peace. Let’s start this journey toward healing and empowerment today:
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About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie’s path to becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) has been shaped by a rich blend of experiences and a deep commitment to supporting others. Beginning her career as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., Stephanie’s desire to make a difference led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. In 2012, she shifted her focus to mental health and has since gained extensive experience working with children, families, and adults in a variety of settings, including schools, community mental health centers, and a bariatric surgery center.
Today, Stephanie’s private practice is dedicated to helping individuals navigate complex emotional challenges, especially those rooted in difficult family dynamics. She is particularly passionate about supporting adult children of emotionally immature or narcissistic parents, as well as individuals from the LGBTQIA+ community and those living in larger bodies. Drawing on advanced training with Dr. Lindsay Gibson, the psychologist and author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Stephanie provides specialized care to help clients understand the lasting impact of emotional neglect and abuse.
Through her compassionate and empowering approach, Stephanie guides individuals toward healing, self-acceptance, and inner peace. Whether you’re working through the effects of an emotionally immature parent or healing from a narcissistic parent in North Carolina, Stephanie offers a supportive space to reclaim your emotional well-being and rediscover your strength.