My Story Part 2
When we left off, I had completed my Peace Corps service and was heading to graduate school in Boulder, Colorado to pursue a degree in counseling. I chose a unique program that incorporated Eastern philosophy and mindfulness practices. It was an enlightening, informative and unexpectedly therapeutic experience. In many respects, during my time in graduate school, I experienced much needed validation and significant healing from my emotional wounds—a process similar to what therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents, can provide.
However, there were times when I took the learnings, filtered them through my own underlying beliefs, and used them against myself. As we discussed family of origin wounds, I took lessons about holding compassion for my mother for her own difficult childhood and used them to discount my own suffering by her actions. I noted to an instructor my mother’s excessive use of sighs and moans, stating, “she acted like life was just so laborious for her.” The instructor replied, “It probably was.”
Suddenly, I Felt Ashamed that I Had Been So Unempathetic to My Mother’s Experience.
After all, comparatively, I had a much better childhood than she did…she made sure of that. At that point, I internalized a belief that because she had suffered so much in her own upbringing, I had to not only accept her for who she was but ALLOW her emotionally abusive and neglectful behavior. I thought that because she couldn’t help the way she was, I had to just take it.
I used that logic to accept emotional abuse in future romantic relationships. Excusing harmful behavior because my partner had suffered their own emotional wounds. This new, misinterpreted learning—along with low self-esteem, normalization of emotional neglect, lack of modeling of healthy relationships, and emotional loneliness (Gibson)— paved the way for a pattern of unhealthy intimate relationships. So how did these factors impact relationships in my life? Let’s break this down a little.
1. Misinterpreted Learning
The mistaken assumption I made was that people who have suffered deep emotional wounds can’t help how they are so we should just accept their harmful behavior—a belief many adult children of parents who are narcissists might struggle with. Yes, in our own journey of healing it helps us to have compassion for their humanness and acknowledge that they, too, have wounds. We can even love them. (The expression, “love the player, hate the game,” comes to mind.) The place we get stuck is when we think that because they can’t help how they are, that we should just accept the abuse, not hold them accountable, and allow them to violate our boundaries time and time again. You can love them and still set boundaries around abusive behavior.
2. Low Self-Esteem
Growing up with a hypercritical mother led me to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Thus began the hustle for acceptance and love. In childhood, I was striving to be the “good girl.” In adulthood, I was seeking acceptance and love from men, or encouragement and validation from authority figures, such as a boss. I didn’t feel inherently worthy of love. I thought I had to fight for it—prove myself—and I spent a lot of energy trying to show the world I was good enough. Ironically, the harder I fought, the more insecure and unsure of myself I appeared. It was a type of imposter syndrome, where I was playing the part of a good enough human, but it never felt genuine. For many, working with a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help address these deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.
3. Normalization of Emotional Neglect
If you never experienced emotional support in childhood, it doesn’t occur to you to expect it in adult relationships. You don’t miss what you never had. A healthy part of healing is learning what emotional support looks like and surrounding yourself with others—friends, intimate partners, etc.—who fit that mold. Therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents in Raleigh, NC, can help you recognize and build these healthier connections.
4. Lack of Modeling of Healthy Relationships
Just as with emotional neglect, if you were never exposed to healthy relationships, it’s hard to know what they look like. Is there any couple you’ve met that seem to set a healthy example? What is it about them that tells you it’s healthy? Answering that question may give you insight into what healthy looks like, and also what you may have been missing in your relationships.
5. Emotional Loneliness
In her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Lindsay Gibson describes how a child may feel if their parents were incapable of providing emotional support—a common experience for adult children of parents who are narcissists. She writes, “…you wouldn’t necessarily have known what was wrong. You might have thought that feeling empty and alone was your own private, strange experience, something that made you different from other people.” In reality, emotional loneliness was a normal response to a lack of empathy from your primary caregivers. Identifying this feeling and its root cause can help you on the path to connecting with healthier, more empathetic people.
Looking back with everything I know now, it makes perfect sense how I ended up making choices that would ultimately lead to more suffering in my life. It’s been a painfully logical path. I just didn’t understand it at its core. But Lindsay Gibson’s book put everything in perspective in a way that no clinical model, diagnostic criteria, or self-help book had before. And this new understanding created a framework through which relationships old and new can be examined with clarity, and a path to hope and healing can be forged.
Stay tuned for part 3, where I dive into the “WHAT NOW?” What happens after we plant the seed of knowledge and view the world and our place in it with clear eyes.
Find Empowerment with Therapy for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents in Raleigh and North Carolina
Are you ready to break free from the patterns shaped by your past and take control of how you show up in your relationships? I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in online therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents in Raleigh, NC. Together, we’ll uncover how family dynamics have influenced your self-esteem, boundaries, and relationships. Through compassionate, personalized support, we’ll work to replace old habits with healthier, more fulfilling ways of relating. Let’s create a life where you feel confident, grounded, and truly yourself.
Learn More About Me and My Services
You deserve a life free from emotional burdens—let’s take the first step together.
Explore Additional Therapy Services at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents, I offer compassionate support tailored to LGBTQIA+ individuals and those living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy, inclusivity, and respect, creating a safe space where you can explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and feel truly seen. Whether you're seeking Therapy for LGBTQIA+ Folx or Therapy for People Living in Larger Bodies, I provide personalized care designed to honor your unique experiences and support your growth. Together, we’ll work to foster healing, self-acceptance, and empowerment on your journey toward a more fulfilling life.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair’s journey to becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) has been one of growth, resilience, and purpose. Starting as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., her desire to make a difference led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. In 2012, she pivoted to the mental health field, gaining experience working with children, families, and adults in settings such as schools, community mental health centers, substance abuse programs, and bariatric surgery support. Today, Stephanie focuses her private practice on helping individuals heal from the emotional wounds that continue to shape their lives.
Stephanie is especially passionate about supporting adult children of emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. With advanced training under Lindsay Gibson, psychologist and author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she helps clients understand how family dynamics have influenced their self-esteem and relationships. By addressing patterns of emotional neglect and abuse, Stephanie empowers clients to break free from old cycles and develop healthier ways of relating to themselves and others. Whether you’re navigating the effects of an emotionally immature parent or seeking guidance from a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents in North Carolina, Stephanie offers a compassionate and insightful approach to help you create a life grounded in self-worth and emotional freedom.