Grandiose vs. Covert Narcissism in Emotionally Immature Parents
No matter your personal algorithm, if you’ve been on social media in recent years, you have likely come across posts or reels about narcissism. It seems like everyone either claims to be an expert on narcissism or readily uses this term as a catch-all to label any unhealthy, selfish, harmful, unpleasant—or simply unwanted—behavior. For those who grew up with a covert narcissist mother, the reality of narcissistic behavior is often far more insidious than what is portrayed online. So, let’s get clinical for a minute to help provide some clarity on how the term “narcissism” is actually used in clinical mental health settings. From there, we can explore how it manifests in real life, the impact it has on relationships, and how narcissistic abuse recovery therapy can help you navigate its lasting effects.
Let’s Get Clinical
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, most recently updated in 2022 is the medical reference book used by medical and mental health professionals in the U.S. to diagnose mental health and brain-related conditions and disorders. The word, narcissism, is used in reference to only one diagnosis in this hefty, 1,000-page tome. That condition is called, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Any variation of narcissistic term you have heard from that (i.e. malignant narcissist, covert narcissist, etc.) is not an official diagnosis and does not exist in the medical manual used by mental health professionals.
That being said, the DSM isn’t perfect, and typically requires years of scientific evidence in order to implement updates, which tend to grossly lag behind what is generally understood in the modern practice of mental health treatment. In recent years, there’s been a lot written on the subject of narcissism and mental health professionals have been gaining a deeper understanding beyond the limitations of the DSM definition as to how narcissism shows up, why it shows up, the different ways it can look and how to deal with someone who operates this way in your life.
Grandiose (Overt) Narcissists
One of the more profound understandings that has surfaced in recent years goes beyond the typical grandiose presentation of narcissism that we all typically can recognize and identify. We’re familiar with the arrogant, larger-than-life personalities who seem like they can get away with anything. With grandiose or overt narcissism, we see:
Sense of superiority: Grandiose narcissists believe they are superior to others and have a sense of entitlement.
Need for admiration: They crave constant validation, admiration, and special treatment.
Lack of empathy: They have little empathy for others.
Overconfidence: They have an inflated sense of their skills and abilities.
Impulsive: They do what they feel like in the moment regardless of potential consequences to themselves or others.
Exploitative: They are willing to exploit others for self-gain. They view relationships as transactional and will often abandon relationships in which they feel they aren’t getting anything out of.
Aggressive: They can be hostile and aggressive when challenged.
Famous persons who have been suspected to have narcissistic personality disorder include Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler, Mark Zuckerberg, Tiger Woods, Joan Crawford and Madonna.
Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism is more subtle and more of an internal process. Covert narcissists are often self-conscious, insecure, and introverted. Their narcissistic actions are more likely to fly under the radar compared to those of overt (or grandiose) narcissists. This can be particularly frustrating to those closest to them who are most directly impacted by their behavior. People on the outside won’t identify the unhealthy behavior as easily. With covert narcissism, we see:
Sensitivity: Covert narcissists are hypersensitive and defensive. They may be extremely sensitive to criticism.
Withdrawal: Covert narcissists may withdraw from others, avoid intimacy, and disregard others' feelings.
Passive aggression: Covert narcissists may engage in passive-aggressive behavior, fail to communicate openly and make sarcastic comments or make negative or accusatory comments “under their breath.”
Manipulation: Covert narcissists may manipulate others by playing the victim, shifting blame, or undermining others. This is where you will see gaslighting behaviors. For more on this, check out the acronym, DARVO.
Grandiose fantasies: Covert narcissists may spend a lot of time thinking about their abilities and achievements (or their children’s achievements as an extension of their own) compared to others. They may have an “I'll show you” attitude.
Victim mentality: They may have deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, and their self-esteem can crumble when they don't get the validation they crave.
Other terms used to describe covert narcissists include vulnerable or fragile narcissists. When dealing with emotionally immature parents like a covert narcissist mother, the damage may not always be obvious to others, but the emotional toll on their children is profound. Because they are harder to identify, it’s difficult to list public figures who fit this description. The people closest to them are best suited to recognize their dysfunctional and emotionally damaging behaviors.
Cultural Considerations
Something to consider is the impact of cultural or societal conditioning on how narcissistic behavior manifests. Because men and women are typically raised emphasizing different aspects of personality, as well as roles and responsibilities, men are more likely to present as grandiose while women typically lean towards the covert or fragile narcissist subtype. This makes sense when you consider--especially in patriarchal (and sexist) societies—men are encouraged to be bombastic, take up space and speak their mind while women are expected to be demure and preserved. In these contexts, you are more likely to see more subtle, subversive ways of narcissism seep out on the feminine side. But despite gender norms, there are always exceptions to the rule. And men can present with covert behaviors while women can present with grandiosity.
Additional Resources
For adult children of narcissists (or ACONs), finding resources on the subject can help to achieve validation and understanding, heal childhood wounds and establish boundaries with problematic family members or other loved ones. Here are a few resources that can offer insight for those seeking help:
Books
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD (She has written several follow-up books on the subject since its publication in 2015)
Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Stephanie M. Kriesberg, PsyD
But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath by Dr. Sherrie Campbell
Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, PhD
You are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame by Karen C.L. Anderson
Other Resources
There’s a lot of information being shared on various media platforms about narcissism, but not all of it is accurate or helpful. If you’re navigating healing, especially through narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina, it’s important to seek credible sources. When sorting through it all, look for credentials showing that the person has a background and education in mental health before adopting their messages in totality. Even with credentials, some social media influencers can be misguiding, so use your best judgment and take information you see with a grain of salt.
After all, you are the expert on your life. A therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help you separate truth from misinformation, guiding you toward deeper self-trust and healing. Integrate information that is useful on your journey and let go of what doesn’t serve you.
Stay curious. Let go of self-judgment. And remember, you are deserving of love, acceptance, and belonging.
Find Healing with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Understanding the difference between grandiose and covert narcissism can bring clarity to the confusing dynamics you’ve experienced. If you’ve been raised by an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent, you may be struggling with boundaries, self-worth, and the lingering effects of emotional manipulation. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in online therapy for adult children of narcissistic parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina. Together, we’ll make sense of your experiences, break unhealthy cycles, and help you reclaim a life rooted in self-trust and emotional freedom.
Learn More About Me and My Services
You don’t have to carry the weight of the past alone—healing is possible.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for people living in larger bodies, I offer personalized care tailored to your unique experiences. Together, we can work toward greater empowerment, emotional well-being, and a life where you feel truly seen.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair, a compassionate and experienced therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents in North Carolina, is dedicated to helping individuals heal from the lasting effects of emotionally immature or narcissistic family dynamics. Her journey to becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) has been shaped by a deep commitment to guiding others toward self-discovery, empowerment, and healing. Beginning her career as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., Stephanie’s desire to create meaningful change led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps before transitioning into the mental health field in 2012. She has since worked extensively with children, families, and adults in diverse clinical settings, including schools, community mental health centers, substance abuse programs, and bariatric surgery support.
Today, Stephanie’s private practice focuses on narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, offering support for those struggling with the emotional wounds left by an unhealthy upbringing. With advanced training from Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she helps clients recognize how their past experiences have influenced their self-worth, boundaries, and relationships. Whether you’re seeking guidance for dealing with a narcissistic parent in North Carolina or looking for support in setting healthy boundaries, Stephanie provides compassionate, evidence-based care. Her goal is to help you break free from unhealthy patterns, reclaim your emotional well-being, and build a life rooted in self-trust and authentic connection.