Shit Narc Moms Say
If I asked the adult children of narcissistic mothers the things they remember their mothers saying growing up, I would likely hear similar themes among them. In fact, I would likely hear verbatim, some of the exact same phrases. For those dealing with emotionally immature parents these statements may be all too familiar. Here are six comments that may sound familiar to you:
1. “What do you have to complain about? Look at all I do for you! I give you [food, clothing, a roof over your head, etc.] You never go without!”
Narcissistic (and more generally, emotionally immature) people can be good and consistent at addressing physical and material needs such as food, clothing and shelter. They may even be helpful in a crisis or when there is physical injury or illness. As Lindsay Gibson writes, these parents can justify attention and affection during illness for the purpose of bringing the child back to physical wellness. This seeming contradiction between physical aid and emotional connection can confuse the child who experienced their parent as inconsistent with expressions of love and neglect. It’s a dynamic that often leads people to seek narcissistic abuse recovery therapy, especially as they begin to unravel the emotional neglect they endured.
2. “What do you have to complain about? I had it so much [harder/tougher/worse] when I was growing up!” Variations include “You should be grateful/You’re so lucky!”
This rhetoric can also be explained by the reasoning above regarding narcissistic parents being capable of meeting physical and material needs but not emotional needs. The other reality is the perspective of the narcissistic or EI parent: they likely didn’t have some of even their basic physical needs met in childhood comparatively, so combined with their inability to see outside of their own world view, this adds to their lack of consideration for their child’s feelings and experience. But it doesn’t discount or negate their child’s experience of emotional neglect. Many adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents have internalized these messages, leading to deep-seated guilt and difficulty validating their own emotions.
3. “Well, I guess I’m just a terrible mother!”
Watch out! Here comes the guilt bomb with a healthy dose of reverse victim and offender (the “RVO” of DARVO). In actuality, #1 and #2 carry some guilt with them as well, but this one hits you right in the gut and triggers the impulse to caretake the parent. Suddenly, the child is now responsible for the mother’s feelings and scrambles to shower their parent with love and affection to reassure them (and feed their fragile ego).
4. “They’re just jealous.”
In the dog-eat-dog mindset of a narcissistic person, in which what everyone else has means something has been taken away from you…where you are in constant competition and someone is always winning and losing…it’s easy to see where your covert narcissistic mother would assume that others’ bad behavior must be the result of jealousy, especially when her own behavior is typically born out of feeling less than the people around her. So, it stands to reason that this would be her response if you ever came to her upset after being mistreated by others in childhood. The response is also simplistic and superficial, both trademarks of the mindset of a narcissist.
5. The Silent Treatment
Sometimes narcissistic or emotionally immature mothers say more with what they don’t say. Their silence can serve many purposes—to express disapproval, to punish, to reverse victim and offender (see DARVO), or otherwise try to assert control over others. It can also be a tactic for eliciting the attention and affection they so desperately need to feed their self-esteem.
6. Passive-Aggressive Questions
Here are some examples:
“Is that what you’re wearing?”
“You’re wearing your hair like that now?”
“When was the last time you did you nails?”
“Is you shaver broken”
“Do you like that [food she doesn’t like]?”
These questions are meant to express disapproval or make you feel bad or less than, in an attempt on your mother’s part to maintain control. They are intended for you to question your own judgment and feel inferior so that you defer to her and so she can feel superior, giving her a fleeting sense of self-esteem.
Sum Up
All of these statements and any similar in nature are designed to throw you off your game, discount your argument, negate your feelings and secure your mother’s reign over you.
Despite how rude or harmful those comments or questions may be, giving her a big reaction only fuels her sense of control and reinforces the behavior. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respond. The only thing you can do is set and communicate boundaries and continue to re-evaluate what boundaries you need as you navigate that relationship. You may decide to limit communication or go no contact altogether. You may decide to limit the types of activities you will engage in with you mother and any other family members who enable her actions. Just remember, that you are an adult and are now in complete control over your life and the contact you allow her in it. If that thought feels foreign or difficult to accept, working with a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help you reclaim that power, one step at a time.
Break the Cycle with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Recognizing the tactics of a narcissist mother can be a frustrating and painful process, especially when the manipulation is subtle and insidious. If you grew up with an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent, you may still be untangling the impact—questioning your reality, struggling with self-doubt, or feeling like nothing you do is ever enough. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina helping adult children of narcissistic parents break free from emotional manipulation and reclaim their sense of self. Together, we’ll explore how these dynamics shaped your life, set boundaries that protect your peace, and work toward a future where you trust yourself fully.
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You don’t have to keep second-guessing yourself—healing starts with understanding, and you deserve clarity and freedom.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for people living in larger bodies, I offer personalized care tailored to your unique experiences. Together, we can work toward greater empowerment, emotional well-being, and a life where you feel truly seen.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair understands the lifelong impact of growing up with a covert narcissist mother in North Carolina or emotionally immature parents. As a licensed professional counselor (LPC), she specializes in helping adult children untangle the emotional confusion, self-doubt, and lasting wounds left by toxic family dynamics. Before becoming a therapist, Stephanie began her career as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., but her drive to create meaningful change led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since transitioning into the mental health field in 2012, she has worked with children, families, and adults in schools, community mental health centers, substance abuse programs, and bariatric surgery support.
Today, Stephanie’s private practice focuses on narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, offering a compassionate space for those navigating the aftermath of emotional manipulation and neglect. With advanced training from Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she helps clients recognize how their upbringing shaped their self-worth, boundaries, and relationships. Whether you're working through the confusing dynamics of dealing with emotionally immature parents, or seeking guidance on reclaiming your sense of self, Stephanie provides the insight and support needed to help you break free. Her approach is about more than just understanding the past—it’s about moving forward with clarity, confidence, and emotional freedom.