How to Respond to DARVO
If you’ve ever confronted someone about their harmful behavior—whether it was a parent, partner, or coworker—and suddenly found yourself on the defensive, you may have experienced DARVO. This psychological manipulation tactic is a go-to strategy for many emotionally immature parents and individuals with narcissistic tendencies. Instead of acknowledging their actions, they Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, flipping the script to make you feel like the problem.
For adults of emotionally immature parents, DARVO can be particularly disorienting. Growing up, you may have been conditioned to accept blame, question your own reality, or feel guilty for asserting yourself. But now, as an adult, recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking free. Knowing how to respond when someone uses DARVO against you can help protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Recognizing DARVO in Action
Before we get into strategies for responding, let’s break down how DARVO typically unfolds:
Deny – The person refuses to take responsibility. (“That never happened.” “You’re imagining things.”)
Attack – They lash out, insult, or discredit you. (“You’re being dramatic.” “You’re the real problem.”)
Reverse Victim and Offender – Suddenly, they’re the ones who are hurt, and you’re the aggressor. (“I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.” “Now I’m the one suffering because of you.”)
Understanding this tactic allows you to step back and assess the situation rather than getting pulled into the emotional chaos.
How to Respond to DARVO
1. Stay Grounded in Your Truth
One of the main goals of DARVO is to make you doubt yourself. The person using this tactic wants you to second-guess your experience so they don’t have to take accountability. When faced with denial and gaslighting, remind yourself:
Your feelings are valid. If something hurt you, that’s real.
You know what happened. Your memory is not up for debate.
You don’t need their validation to believe yourself.
Journaling about the incident beforehand can help you clarify your thoughts and affirm your reality before engaging in a difficult conversation.
2. Do Not Engage in the Blame Game
When someone launches into the “Attack” phase of DARVO, it’s tempting to defend yourself, explain your position, or even fire back. But this only feeds the cycle. Instead of getting pulled into an argument, try:
Using neutral statements like, “I’m not here to argue. I just wanted to express how I feel.”
Not taking the bait when they insult or criticize you.
Keeping the conversation focused on the original issue rather than their attempts to deflect.
By refusing to play into their tactics, you take away their power.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Many adults of emotionally immature parents struggle with boundary-setting because they were never allowed to have them growing up. But when dealing with DARVO, setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial.
Some examples of boundary-setting in this situation include:
“I won’t continue this conversation if you keep attacking me.”
“I need you to acknowledge what I’m saying instead of deflecting.”
“If you continue to twist my words, I’m going to walk away.”
Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person’s behavior—they’re about protecting your own peace.
4. Recognize When It’s Not Worth Engaging
Unfortunately, some people are committed to misunderstanding you. If every attempt at an honest conversation turns into DARVO, it may be time to ask yourself: Is this a relationship worth maintaining? For many who grew up with emotionally immature parents, distancing yourself—whether emotionally or physically—may be the healthiest option. You’re not obligated to keep engaging with someone who refuses to respect you.
5. Seek Support from a Therapist
Navigating DARVO, especially when it’s coming from a parent or someone close to you, can be incredibly challenging. A therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help you:
Recognize manipulative behaviors and set stronger boundaries.
Work through self-doubt and gaslighting effects.
Develop strategies for handling difficult conversations with less emotional distress.
Therapy offers a space where you can unpack these experiences without fear of judgment or manipulation.
The Long-Term Effects of DARVO
Repeated exposure to DARVO—especially from a parent—can have lasting psychological impacts. Many adults who have endured this dynamic struggle with:
Chronic self-doubt: Always wondering if they’re overreacting.
People-pleasing tendencies: Avoiding conflict at all costs.
Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for signs of emotional danger.
Breaking free from these patterns takes time, but it is possible. With support, self-awareness, and intentional healing, you can learn to trust yourself again.
Reclaiming Your Power After DARVO
Responding to DARVO isn’t about changing the person using it—it’s about protecting yourself. Whether it’s a parent, partner, or colleague, knowing how to stand your ground, disengage when necessary, and seek support is key. If you find yourself caught in toxic relational patterns, narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina can provide the guidance and validation you need to move forward. You are not alone in this, and you deserve relationships where you are heard, respected, and valued.
Find Healing with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
DARVO can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and emotionally drained, especially when it comes from a parent or someone close to you. If you’re ready to break free from manipulation and reclaim your emotional well-being, therapy can help. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina. Together, we’ll unpack these dynamics, strengthen your confidence, and help you set boundaries that honor your healing.
Learn More About My Services
You don’t have to keep defending yourself against people who refuse to see you. Healing starts with knowing your truth—and standing by it.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for navigating life in a larger body, I offer personalized care that honors your unique experiences and supports your healing journey.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair understands the long-term impact of growing up with an emotionally immature parent and how that shapes self-worth, relationships, and emotional resilience. As a licensed professional counselor (LPC), she helps adults of emotionally immature parents navigate the lingering effects of manipulation, invalidation, and toxic family dynamics. Before becoming a therapist, Stephanie worked as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., but her passion for helping others led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since transitioning into the mental health field in 2012, she has worked extensively with children, families, and adults in various clinical settings.
Today, Stephanie specializes in working with adult children of narcissistic and emotionally immature parents, providing compassionate, evidence-based support. Whether you’re looking for guidance on setting boundaries or working through the emotional confusion left by DARVO, Stephanie is here to help you reclaim your confidence and step into a life rooted in self-trust and emotional freedom.