Grief: An Essential Part of Healing Childhood Wounds
When individuals enter therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents to work through childhood wounds and strain in relationships with their parents, they ‘ll often start by describing those relationships in the following ways:
“My [Mom, Dad, primary caregiver] drives me crazy.”
“It’s like they want to control my life.”
“It’s never about me. It’s always about them.”
“I don’t even enjoy the holidays. It’s just so stressful. I just want to get through Christmas without all the drama.”
“I feel like I can’t do anything right.”
“They’re so critical/controlling.”
Those who deal with emotionally immature parents have lived their lives believing the messages they received from a young age, messages that tell them they aren’t good enough, they’re lazy, they’re too sensitive/emotional, ungrateful. They get lost in the hustle of proving themselves or at the very least, they strive to reduce the chances of receiving more criticism from either their parents, partners, or possibly, other authority figures in their lives. After all, for many, flying under the radar was about as much safety as you could hope for, especially as a young and powerless child.
The few who come to understand in adulthood that they, themselves, aren’t the problem (although they’ve been blamed time and time again), those who are able to see with clear eyes their parents’ dysfunction and the injustice they experienced by their parents, these individuals will strive to search for an explanation, for understanding. They will desperately seek knowledge and wisdom through therapy, self-help books, and seminars, even guidance from spiritual leaders who might offer some explanation for the seemingly illogical, hypocritical, and harmful behavior they have endured throughout their lives
In their search for knowledge, they’ll often discover that what had been normalized in their childhood was actually abusive and neglectful behavior by the very people who were supposed to provide unconditional love, safety, and security.
The Healing Fantasy
Now adults, these individuals can identify problematic behavior and learn about healthy dynamics in relationships. This is where the idea of the “healing fantasy” sets in:
“If I just learn how to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them in a healthy way, they’ll understand and try to change.”
“If I hold up a mirror to them, they will have no choice but to admit wrongdoing and apologize.”
Sound familiar?
Often, the adult children of emotionally immature parents assume that once they display the evidence, the injustice of it will somehow change the tides and lead the parent to take responsibility for the harm they caused and apologize. Not only that, but there’s an expectation that the parent will learn from the situation and change the way they show up in the world. They will no longer act in ways that are harmful to others and will readily take responsibility for their actions from that point on.
This is the healing fantasy. The idea is that the emotionally immature or narcissistic parent has the awareness, ego strength, and capacity to listen and objectively consider the negative impact of their behavior on their child. To see where they went wrong, its impact on others, and express remorse.
Unfortunately, the likelihood of the healing fantasy coming true is minimal. The same deficits that led to the insulting behavior from the start are the very reason the emotionally immature parent is not likely to hear what their child is trying to say nor be able to make healthy changes.
Frustration
An adult child can go on like this for years, making efforts to point out injustices, harmful actions by their parents, and their impact only to be met with shrugs of the shoulders, dismissive comments, or other forms of gaslighting (see gaslighting article).
They continue to tolerate steady streams of microcriticisms…swallowing frustration and attempting to let problematic behavior go until they reach a breaking point, at which they finally speak up, only to be rebuffed and often made to feel guilty or shameful for “attacking” their parent (see DARVO).
This pattern continues to eat away at the self-esteem of the adult child, fueling self-doubt and an overall internalization of their suffering, leading them to question whether they themselves are the problem.
Acceptance
Here’s where the grief process really comes in, and with it, a path forward. In order to heal, the adult child has to come to understand that their EI parent is likely not capable of acknowledging their wrongdoing nor changing their ways. Not only that, but the parent also likely never had the capacity to be the parent the adult child so desperately needed in childhood or be the parent they now need in adulthood. The parent didn’t choose not to love their child in the way they needed to be loved. It wasn’t intentional. The parent—out of their own childhood wounds and lack of self-awareness—couldn’t be the parent in all the ways the adult child needed.
Potential
The next task then is for the adult child to let go of the “potential” of their parent to one day provide emotional support they have not shown themselves to be capable of. Once the adult child realizes it’s not possible, then they can grieve the loss of what they thought was possible—a relationship with an emotionally healthy parent.
Loss
The other big grieving process relates to the parent that never was. The adult child must accept that they never had what they needed…an emotionally mature parent who gave them what they deserved and needed—to feel secure and loved. They must grieve the mom or dad they never had.
This can be such a complicated and difficult process. There may be memories of the parent showing up, even expressing love or admiration—often tied to academic or athletic achievement. Typically, those moments of perceived support were tied to the EI parent viewing their child as an extension of themselves and thus valuing their child’s achievements as their own. There’s a grieving process with those moments as well, as the adult child realizes they weren’t genuine moments of support by the parent but in fact, yet more examples of the parent’s self-centeredness.
Boundaries
The ironic thing is that once the adult child can grieve the loss of the parent they needed, and once they can see with clear eyes the limitations of the parent in front of them, it becomes easier to accept them as they are. And with that acceptance of reality comes the next step of determining what boundaries are needed in that relationship. For some, it requires severing ties completely. For others, it may involve creating some emotional or physical distance.
There’s a process of re-evaluation that takes place as the adult child begins to recognize that their recovery and overall quality of life depends on making their own needs a priority. It’s also crucial for them to understand that they were deserving and worthy of the love, acceptance and belonging that they lacked growing up. Now, they have a chance to re-parent themselves, find ways to provide the love, security, and safety that eluded them in childhood, and maybe break the cycle by learning how to provide that same emotional support to their own children.
Summary
Healing from a lifetime of emotional wounds is a process that takes time. Grief is a significant part of that healing process. Once the adult child can truly see the emotionally immature parent for who they are, they become free to release the chains of self-blame and self-criticism, and feelings of unworthiness, shame, and guilt. It can truly be a liberating experience that leads to living a fulfilling, meaningful life.
Here are some resources that can help:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD (She has written several follow-up books on the subject since its publication in 2015)
Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Stephanie M. Kriesberg, PsyD
But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath by Dr. Sherrie Campbell
Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, PhD
You are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame by Karen C.L. Anderson
Find Support Through Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Grieving the parent you never had is one of the hardest parts of healing—but it’s also one of the most freeing. If you're beginning to realize that your parent may never be able to show up in the ways you needed, you don’t have to navigate that grief alone. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina. Together, we can work through the loss, process the anger, and help you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have long been buried beneath shame, guilt, and self-doubt.
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In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for navigating life in a larger body, I offer personalized care that honors your unique experiences and supports your healing journey.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair is a licensed professional counselor who deeply understands the grief, confusion, and quiet heartbreak that come from growing up with an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent. She specializes in helping adult children untangle the emotional aftermath—especially the self-blame, guilt, and longing for the parent they never truly had. Stephanie’s path to becoming a therapist began after working as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., and later serving as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since entering the mental health field in 2012, she has supported children, families, and adults across a range of clinical settings.
Today, Stephanie provides narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina. Her work centers on helping clients move through the grieving process, understand the limitations of their parents, and begin to reconnect with their own inner wisdom. With compassion and clarity, she helps clients release unrealistic expectations, set healthy boundaries, and find peace in the truth of their lived experience—so they can finally begin to live for themselves.