DARVO: A Framework for Understanding Emotionally Immature Reactions
In the realm of psychological manipulation, certain tactics are employed to deflect accountability and shift blame onto victims. One such tactic is DARVO, an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1997, DARVO is often utilized by individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits or those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when confronted about their harmful behaviors. Understanding this framework is crucial for those seeking narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, as it sheds light on the manipulative dynamics that can hinder healing
Breaking Down the DARVO Tactic
1. Deny
The individual outright rejects the accusation, refusing to acknowledge their actions or their consequences. Common phrases include:
"That never happened."
"You're making things up."
"I would never do that."
2. Attack
Once denial is established, the individual then goes on the offensive by attacking the credibility, character, or motives of the accuser. This can involve gaslighting, spreading false narratives, or turning others against the accuser. Some examples:
"You're crazy!"
"You're always looking for something to complain about."
"You're the one causing the problem."
3. Reverse Victim and Offender
Finally, the manipulator positions themselves as the actual victim while framing the true victim as the perpetrator. This can involve making the accuser seem aggressive, unreasonable, or even abusive. Some examples include:
"You're attacking me for no reason."
"You're the abusive one."
"Now everyone is against me because of your lies."
"I'm the one suffering because of your accusations."
Why Do People Use DARVO?
DARVO is not just a reaction—it’s a deliberate manipulation tactic used by those unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for their actions. Understanding why people use DARVO can help untangle the confusion it creates and empower those on the receiving end to break free from its effects.
1. To Evade Responsibility
For many emotionally immature individuals—especially those with narcissistic tendencies—admitting wrongdoing is out of the question. Acknowledging their actions would require them to reflect on their behavior, confront feelings of guilt or shame, and possibly face consequences. Instead, they choose the easier route: denial.
By flat-out rejecting reality, they can continue to see themselves as blameless. This is especially common in narcissistic parents, who struggle with any challenge to their self-image. If their child expresses emotional pain, rather than acknowledging their role in it, they will deny, minimize, or completely rewrite the story to fit their narrative.
Some common denial tactics include:
Minimization – “You’re overreacting. That wasn’t a big deal.”
Rewriting History – “That’s not how it happened at all. You always make me the bad guy.”
Deflecting Blame – “You’re just trying to find something to be upset about.”
Over time, being on the receiving end of this constant denial can make adult children question their own memories and emotions, a form of gaslighting that erodes self-trust.
2. To Manipulate Perception
DARVO is often a public relations strategy as much as it is a defense mechanism. The goal is not just to escape responsibility but to actively reshape the way others perceive them—and the way their victim perceives themselves.
By flipping the script, the person using DARVO ensures they come out looking like the real victim, while the actual victim is painted as irrational, aggressive, or even abusive. In families where narcissistic parents are involved, this manipulation extends beyond parent-child interactions. They often work to convince extended family members, friends, or even therapists that they are the innocent party.
Examples of perception manipulation include:
Recruiting Others (Triangulation) – “I told your aunt what you said, and even she thinks you’re being dramatic.”
Emotional Appeal – “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of this after everything I’ve done for you.”
Victim Playing – “I guess I’m just a terrible mother, huh? Maybe I should just stay out of your life completely.”
This strategy makes setting boundaries incredibly difficult for adult children of emotionally immature parents because it creates external pressure to “forgive” or “let it go.”
3. To Maintain Power and Control
At its core, DARVO is about control. Whether in parent-child relationships, romantic partnerships, or workplace settings, those who use DARVO are invested in maintaining dominance over the other person.
For narcissistic parents, this means keeping their child:
Doubting themselves – If their child is too confused to trust their own emotions, they’re easier to control.
Seeking approval – A child who constantly tries to win their parent’s favor is less likely to challenge them.
Afraid to speak up – If confronting their parent leads to emotional punishment, they may stop trying altogether.
The more confusion, self-doubt, and guilt they can create, the more leverage they maintain. This is why breaking free from DARVO tactics is such an essential part of narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina.
DARVO in the Context of Emotionally Immature Parents
DARVO is a particularly common tactic among emotionally immature parents because it allows them to escape accountability while keeping their child emotionally dependent on them. Unlike mature parents, who are capable of self-reflection and growth, emotionally immature parents see any challenge as a threat—not just to their ego, but to their entire identity.
Because of this, DARVO becomes a default response whenever their behavior is questioned. They do not see conflict as an opportunity for resolution but as something to be won. The goal isn’t to understand their child’s feelings but to ensure they maintain their position of power.
For many adult children, this means:
Feeling invalidated when trying to express their experiences.
Becoming the “problem” for simply trying to set boundaries.
Questioning their reality because the version their parent presents is so radically different from their own.
These dynamics often lead to deep self-doubt, anxiety, and difficulty trusting others—all of which are challenges that a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help navigate.
Case Study: A Mother's DARVO Response
To illustrate how DARVO plays out in real life, let’s look at a common parent-child dynamic:
Situation: An adult child sits down with their mother to talk about how they felt unsupported growing up.
Deny – "I was always there for you. You're imagining things."
Attack – "You're ungrateful and always trying to blame me for your problems."
Reverse Victim and Offender – "After all I've done for you, now you're attacking me. I'm the one who's hurt."
What happens next?
The child doubts their own experience and starts wondering, "Maybe I really am being unfair."
The parent becomes the victim and gains sympathy, ensuring they are never held accountable.
The original issue never gets addressed, reinforcing the toxic dynamic.
For adults of emotionally immature parents, this cycle can repeat endlessly—unless they step back and recognize what’s happening.
The Impact on Adult Children
Being raised by a parent who regularly uses DARVO shapes the way adult children experience the world. The long-term effects are profound and can influence everything from self-esteem to relationship patterns.
1. Low Self-Esteem
Growing up in a household where your experiences were constantly denied or rewritten makes it hard to trust yourself. Many adult children of narcissists struggle with chronic self-doubt, feeling like they are:
Always second-guessing their emotions
Constantly seeking external validation
Afraid of being "too much" or "too sensitive"
2. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Because DARVO flips the narrative, any attempt to set a boundary can be met with extreme pushback. If, as a child, setting boundaries meant:
Being accused of hurting your parent
Facing emotional withdrawal or punishment
Becoming the family "problem"
…it makes sense that as an adult, setting boundaries would feel incredibly uncomfortable.
3. Emotional Dysregulation
Living in a constant state of uncertainty as a child creates a heightened stress response in adulthood. Adult children of emotionally immature parents often experience:
Anxiety in relationships – Fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”
Guilt for feeling angry – Associating anger with being “bad” or “ungrateful.”
Over-apologizing – Taking responsibility for things that aren’t their fault.
4. People-Pleasing Tendencies
One of the biggest side effects of DARVO is the need to prove yourself in every relationship. Because expressing emotions led to manipulation or punishment, many adult children default to:
Over-explaining themselves
Constantly trying to “keep the peace”
Prioritizing other people’s comfort over their own well-being
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free—and narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina can help.
Breaking Free from DARVO Manipulation
Healing from DARVO’s effects isn’t easy, but it is possible. The first step is recognizing when and how it happens so you can begin to trust your own perceptions again. The more you understand DARVO, the more power you gain in breaking free from its grip. Therapy, self-reflection, and building a strong support system can help you regain trust in yourself and learn to assert your boundaries without guilt. Rebuilding confidence in your own experiences takes time, but with the right tools and support, you can learn to disengage from manipulation and reclaim your sense of self.
Break Free from DARVO with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
If you’ve spent your life feeling like you’re the problem when you try to stand up for yourself, working with a therapist can help. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina, supporting adult children of emotionally immature parents. Together, we’ll explore how DARVO has shaped your experiences, then help you set boundaries, and build a life where your voice and reality are no longer dismissed.
Learn More About Me and My Services
You deserve to feel heard, validated, and free from toxic family patterns.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping clients explore their identities, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for people living in larger bodies, I offer personalized care tailored to your unique experiences.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair is a dedicated therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents in North Carolina & South Carolina, helping individuals untangle the emotional wounds left by growing up in dysfunctional family dynamics. She understands firsthand how family roles like scapegoat and golden child can shape self-worth and make it difficult to break free from deeply ingrained patterns. Before becoming a therapist, Stephanie began her career as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., but her drive to create meaningful change led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since transitioning into the mental health field in 2012, she has worked with children, families, and adults in schools, community mental health centers, substance abuse programs, and bariatric surgery support.
Today, Stephanie’s private practice focuses on narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, offering a compassionate space for those navigating the aftermath of emotional manipulation and neglect. With advanced training from Lindsay Gibson, author of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," she helps clients recognize how their upbringing shaped their self-worth, boundaries, and relationships. Whether you're working through the confusing dynamics of dealing with emotionally immature parents or seeking guidance on reclaiming your sense of self, Stephanie provides the insight and support needed to help you break free. Her approach is about more than just understanding the past—it’s about moving forward with clarity, confidence, and emotional freedom.