“You’re So Defensive” (Unpacking Defense Mechanisms)
If you grew up with an emotionally immature parent, you probably heard the phrase, “You’re so defensive,” more times than you can count. Maybe it was when you tried to set a boundary, express a need, or challenge a false narrative. Instead of engaging with you honestly, your parent dismissed you, made you feel like you were overreacting, or twisted the situation to make you the problem. Defense mechanisms are the mind’s way of protecting itself from distress, shame, or emotional discomfort. But for adults of emotionally immature parents, these mechanisms often become ingrained responses to survival. The problem? What once kept you emotionally safe as a child may now be keeping you stuck as an adult. Many who begin narcissistic abuse recovery realize that their defense mechanisms, once a necessary shield, now act as barriers to healthy relationships and self-growth.
So, let’s unpack the reality of defense mechanisms—what they are, how they develop, and why understanding them is key to breaking free from unhealthy patterns.
What Are Defense Mechanisms?
Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies we use to manage distressing emotions, thoughts, or conflicts. In healthy situations, they help us navigate difficult moments without becoming overwhelmed. But when used excessively or in dysfunctional ways, they can distort reality, prevent healing, and reinforce toxic cycles.
For those who grew up in invalidating or chaotic households, defense mechanisms weren’t just common—they were necessary. You may have learned to repress emotions to avoid punishment, dissociate from reality to cope with unpredictability, or rationalize hurtful behavior to maintain a sense of normalcy.
But what happens when those same coping mechanisms show up in your adult life, making it difficult to connect, trust, or assert yourself?
Common Defense Mechanisms in Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents
1. Denial: The Need to Minimize Pain
Denial is one of the most basic defense mechanisms. It allows you to reject painful truths to avoid discomfort.
For example, if you had a narcissistic parent who consistently invalidated your emotions, you may have grown up believing, “It wasn’t that bad” or “They did their best.” While this might feel like self-protection, it also prevents you from acknowledging the full impact of your childhood experiences.
Healing begins when you allow yourself to see reality for what it is—not what you wish it had been.
2. Rationalization: Making Excuses for Harmful Behavior
Rationalization happens when you justify or explain away something painful to make it seem less damaging.
For instance, a child who grew up with a volatile, emotionally unavailable parent might say as an adult, “They worked really hard, so they were just too exhausted to be emotionally present.” Or, “They had a rough childhood, so they didn’t know any better.”
While it’s true that some parents struggled with their own wounds, this does not mean their actions didn’t leave a lasting impact. Accepting that you were hurt doesn’t mean you have to stay in that pain—but refusing to acknowledge it keeps you from truly healing.
3. Projection: Seeing Your Own Pain in Others
Projection is when you unconsciously attribute your own emotions, fears, or experiences onto someone else. This often stems from unresolved trauma.
For example, if you grew up with a parent who constantly belittled or rejected you, you might assume others are judging or criticizing you, even when they’re not. You may find yourself reacting defensively in situations where no real threat exists because deep down, you’re anticipating rejection.
Learning to separate past wounds from present interactions is an essential part of healing.
4. Repression: Burying Emotions to Survive
Repression is the unconscious blocking of painful emotions or memories. For children of narcissistic or emotionally immature parents, repression is often a survival tool.
If expressing sadness, anger, or frustration led to punishment or withdrawal of affection, you likely learned to push those emotions deep down. As an adult, this might show up as:
Feeling numb or disconnected from your emotions
Struggling to remember details of your childhood
Reacting to conflict with avoidance rather than engagement
Repressed emotions don’t disappear—they manifest in anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms like tension, fatigue, or chronic pain. Processing them in a safe space, such as narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, can help you reconnect with yourself.
5. Avoidance: Steering Clear of Emotional Discomfort
Avoidance can look like procrastination, shutting down, or escaping into distractions when faced with emotional discomfort.
If your childhood taught you that expressing needs led to rejection, you may find yourself avoiding difficult conversations, relationships, or even personal growth. You might keep busy, throw yourself into work, or disconnect from people to avoid potential emotional pain.
Breaking the cycle means gently confronting what you’ve been avoiding and reminding yourself that discomfort doesn’t equal danger.
Why Do We Get Called Defensive?
If you’ve ever had someone tell you, “You’re so defensive,” you might have immediately felt misunderstood or attacked. But what if we looked at defensiveness through a different lens?
For those who grew up in emotionally unsafe environments, being defensive was a learned survival skill. If expressing yourself was met with criticism, dismissal, or punishment, then of course you’d develop an automatic response to protect yourself.
What looks like defensiveness to others is often a deeply ingrained way of staying emotionally safe. However, the problem arises when it gets in the way of genuine connection. If every disagreement feels like an attack, or if you struggle to receive feedback without shutting down, it may be worth exploring what’s underneath that response.
Healing and Moving Forward
Recognizing defense mechanisms is the first step in shifting them. You are not “broken” for having them. They were there to protect you. But now, as an adult, you have the ability to develop healthier coping strategies that support emotional freedom rather than emotional survival.
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Notice when you feel defensive. What triggers it? What thoughts run through your mind in that moment? Developing awareness allows you to pause and respond differently.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Instead of criticizing yourself for past behaviors, recognize that you did what you had to do to survive. You don’t have to hold onto those patterns forever.
3. Work with a Therapist
Breaking ingrained defense mechanisms takes time. Working with a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can provide a safe space to unpack these patterns and learn new ways of engaging with the world.
4. Build Emotional Resilience
Resilience isn’t about toughening up; it’s about learning to tolerate discomfort without shutting down. Grounding techniques, mindfulness, and nervous system regulation can help you feel safer in your body and mind.
5. Challenge Old Beliefs
If you grew up believing that setting boundaries meant being “difficult” or that expressing emotion made you “weak,” it’s time to rewrite that narrative. You are allowed to take up space. Your emotions are valid. Your needs matter.
Reclaiming Your Emotional Freedom
Recognizing and unlearning defense mechanisms is a vital part of healing from an emotionally immature upbringing. While these behaviors once helped you survive, they don’t have to define your future. With self-awareness, self-compassion, and the right support, you can develop healthier ways of coping and relating to others. Working with a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can provide guidance in navigating this journey, helping you step into a life of greater emotional freedom and authenticity.
Reclaim Yourself with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
If you’re ready to explore your defense mechanisms and shift from emotional survival to emotional resilience, therapy can help. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina, offering support to adult children of emotionally immature parents who want to heal, set boundaries, and rediscover their sense of self.
Learn More About My Services
You don’t have to keep defending yourself from wounds of the past—healing is possible.
Additional Therapy Services at St. Clair Psychotherapy
Beyond working with adult children of emotionally immature parents, I provide compassionate and inclusive therapy for LGBTQIA+ individuals and those navigating life in larger bodies. My approach is centered on creating a safe, affirming space where you can explore your identity, process societal pressures, and cultivate self-worth. Whether you’re looking for therapy that supports LGBTQIA+ folx or a space to unpack body image struggles, I offer personalized care tailored to your experiences. Together, we’ll work toward self-acceptance, emotional resilience, and a life where you feel truly seen and valued.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair’s path to becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) has been shaped by her dedication to guiding others toward emotional healing and self-discovery. She began her career as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., but her passion for meaningful change led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. In 2012, she transitioned into the mental health field, gaining hands-on experience working with children, families, and adults in schools, community mental health centers, substance abuse programs, and bariatric surgery support. Today, her private practice is centered on helping individuals heal from the deep, lasting effects of growing up with emotionally immature or narcissistic parents.
Stephanie specializes in working with adult children who have experienced emotional neglect, manipulation, or toxic family dynamics. With advanced training from Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she equips clients with the tools to break free from unhealthy patterns and reclaim their emotional well-being. Whether you’re processing the effects of a narcissistic parent in North Carolina or searching for a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents, Stephanie provides a supportive space for healing. Her work is rooted in helping clients set healthy boundaries, rebuild self-trust, and move forward with confidence and clarity.