Walking on Eggshells: How Emotionally Immature Parents Condition You to Defend Yourself Constantly
If you grew up with an emotionally immature parent, you might be all too familiar with the feeling of walking on eggshells. One wrong move, one slightly misworded sentence, or even just existing in a way that didn’t align with their expectations could set them off. Maybe you spent years trying to avoid conflict, perfecting the art of reading their moods and adjusting your behavior accordingly. But despite all your efforts, nothing was ever enough.
This constant state of vigilance doesn’t just disappear when you grow up. Many adults of emotionally immature parents carry this conditioning into adulthood, finding themselves overly defensive, fearful of upsetting others, or stuck in cycles of self-doubt. If this sounds familiar, it’s not your fault. Your brain learns to adapt in order to survive a volatile environment. But now, as an adult, you have the power to break free from these patterns and reclaim your sense of self.
How Emotionally Immature Parents Create a Culture of Defensiveness
1. Shifting Blame to You
Rather than taking responsibility for their actions, emotionally immature parents frequently make their children the scapegoat. If they yelled at you, it was because “you made them mad.” If they ignored your needs, you were “too needy.”
Over time, this forces children into a defensive stance. You may have learned to constantly explain yourself, justify your feelings, or try to prove that you weren’t the problem. But deep down, the message was clear: nothing you did was ever good enough, and everything was your fault.
2. Punishing Emotional Expression
Did you ever try to express frustration or sadness, only to have it dismissed or used against you? Maybe your parent told you to “stop being dramatic” or accused you of making things difficult for them. Adults of emotionally immature parents often struggle with emotional suppression because they were taught their feelings weren’t valid.
This conditioning teaches you that speaking up equals danger. As a result, you might second-guess yourself in relationships, struggle to advocate for your needs or feel intense anxiety whenever conflict arises.
3. Creating Unpredictable Reactions
One of the most damaging aspects of being raised by an emotionally immature parent is never knowing how they will react. Some days, they may act loving and supportive. Other days, the smallest thing could send them into a rage or a passive-aggressive cold shoulder.
This unpredictability forces children into a hyper-vigilant state. You learned to anticipate their moods, adjust your behavior, and minimize your presence to avoid setting them off. Even now, you may find yourself overly attuned to others’ emotions, constantly monitoring their reactions to ensure you’re “safe.”
How This Conditioning Shows Up in Adulthood
1. Feeling the Need to Over-Explain
Do you find yourself explaining your reasoning for every little thing, even when no one asked? This is a learned behavior from years of needing to justify yourself to a parent who always found fault with you.
2. Taking Responsibility for Others’ Feelings
If your parent made you feel responsible for their emotions, you may now struggle with boundaries. You might feel guilty when someone is upset with you or believe it’s your job to “fix” their mood, even when it has nothing to do with you.
3. Avoiding Conflict at All Costs
Many adults of emotionally immature parents avoid difficult conversations because they associate them with emotional punishment. But avoiding conflict doesn’t make problems go away—it just keeps you stuck in old patterns.
4. Feeling Defensive, Even When You Haven’t Done Anything Wrong
Because you were conditioned to always be “wrong,” you may find yourself reacting defensively, even when no one is accusing you of anything. Your brain is simply responding to an old survival instinct.
Breaking Free: How to Unlearn Constant Defensiveness
1. Recognize When You’re Reacting from a Place of Fear
When you feel the urge to defend yourself, pause and ask: Am I actually being attacked, or am I responding to an old wound? Reminding yourself that you are safe now can help you shift out of survival mode.
2. Practice Letting Go of Over-Explaining
You don’t owe anyone a detailed justification for your decisions. Challenge yourself to answer questions simply: “No, I don’t want to.” “I can’t make it.” No extra details are necessary.
3. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Boundaries aren’t just about limiting what others can do—they’re about training yourself to feel comfortable saying no. If someone pushes back, remind yourself that their reaction is not your responsibility. These are skills you can learn in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy.
4. Seek Support from a Therapist
Working with a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help you untangle these deep-rooted patterns and replace them with healthier responses. Therapy provides a safe space to validate your experiences and build confidence in your boundaries.
Reclaim Your Confidence with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Breaking free from the conditioning of an emotionally immature parent takes time, patience, and the right support. If you’re tired of feeling like you have to defend yourself at every turn, therapy can help. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina. Together, we’ll work through the patterns that keep you stuck, rebuild your confidence, and help you create relationships based on trust and self-respect.
Learn More About My Services
You don’t have to keep walking on eggshells. It’s time to step into a life where you feel secure, respected, and truly seen.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for navigating life in a larger body, I offer personalized care that honors your unique experiences and supports your healing journey.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LP
Stephanie St. Clair understands the long-term impact of growing up with an emotionally immature parent and how that shapes self-worth, relationships, and emotional resilience. As a licensed professional counselor (LPC), she helps adults of emotionally immature parents navigate the lingering effects of manipulation, invalidation, and toxic family dynamics. Before becoming a therapist, Stephanie worked as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., but her passion for helping others led her to serve as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since transitioning into the mental health field in 2012, she has worked extensively with children, families, and adults in various clinical settings.
Today, Stephanie specializes in working with adult children of narcissistic and emotionally immature parents, providing compassionate, evidence-based support. Whether you’re looking for guidance on setting boundaries or working through the emotional confusion left by toxic childhood experiences, Stephanie is here to help you reclaim your confidence and step into a life rooted in self-trust and emotional freedom.