The Scapegoat vs the Golden Child: The Harmful Roles Imposed on Children of Narcissistic Parents
The scapegoat and the golden child are roles often found in dysfunctional family dynamics, particularly in families with a narcissistic parent. These roles are not inherent to the children themselves but are assigned by the family system, usually based on the parent's needs rather than the children's behavior or worth. When emotionally immature or narcissistic parents set the tone for blame, criticism, unrealistic expectations and deflection of responsibility in families, their children often become victims of mistreatment, abuse and neglect, and unfair labels that can impact them for the rest of their lives. As adults, these children may find it difficult to shed these labels which can become deeply integrated into their identities and inextricably linked to their self-worth. Many who seek narcissistic abuse recovery therapy struggle with the lingering emotional impact of these imposed roles.
The Narcissistic Parent Cannot Accept Responsibility For Problems Within the Family so They Will Identify a Scapegoat on which to Deflect Blame.
In families with more than one sibling, the child who is more unique or different in personality is more likely to become the scapegoat. That could simply mean that the child who is less willing to “play the game” and follow the unwritten, unrealistic or overbearing rules of the narcissistic parent often gets the label. Additionally, narcissistic parents have a warped sense of perfection and what will garner admiration and esteem from the greater community. Their self-centeredness also leads them to more highly regard the ways their children mimic their own interests and values. These parents impose their ideal on their families, leading to unrealistic expectations being left unmet thus triggering disappointment, anger and often, rejection from the narcissistic parent. Children who can more easily (or are more willing) to comply and play the role of perfect child—or adopt the narcissistic parent’s interests and values—are more likely to win the favor of their parent. Those dealing with emotionally immature parents often struggle with the aftermath of this favoritism and rejection, especially as they try to rebuild their sense of self in adulthood.
Birth Order
Other factors can impact these dynamics as well, such as birth order, neurodivergence and identity. According to Alfred Adler’s birth order theory, firstborns are more likely to be responsible, perfectionistic and leaders. They also tend to be rule-followers so it’s easy to see how they would slide into the role of golden child more easily than their siblings. While, according to Adler, youngest born children are more likely to be rebellious, outgoing and creative. These traits suggest divergence from the generally accepted standard, which can feel threatening to a narcissistic parent who demands total compliance.
Neurodivergence
Additionally, the presence of neurodivergent factors can also upset the narcissistic parent’s need for dominance. A neurodivergent child may not pick up on the subtle manipulations of the parent or the unwritten rules within the family dynamics or of larger society. That child’s lack of awareness can potentially threaten the narcissistic parent’s sense of control (and their need to appear perfect in public eye) and thus, the child becomes “the problem.” A therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents can help unravel the layers of manipulation and control imposed by emotionally immature or narcissistic parents.
Gender Roles and other Cultural Factors
For children willing to play the game, or more likely, for those desperate to seek the love and approval of the narcissistic parent, following expectations imposed on them is essential. This includes following expectations based on gender roles, any religious or other cultural expectations of the family or community. Children who identify as part of the LGBTQIA community or other marginalized groups will often experience additional hurdles as their parents strive for a perfect public persona. The narcissistic parent’s need to appear perfect, or even superior in the community will influence the roles they impose on their children and other family members. That can include publicly criticizing a child who strays from what the parent perceives to be the accepted norm. At the same time, a child who reinforces the values of the narcissistic parent and that of the larger community, will be lauded and highlighted while the scapegoat may be made to feel small, insignificant or bad (cue the shame). Many clients in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy struggle with the impact of this perfectionism and public scrutiny well into adulthood.
Impact
The Scapegoat
The criticism, punishment, and rejection they receive from the narcissistic parent regardless of the child’s behavior, often leads to feelings of low self-worth, rebellion, or a strong sense of justice. They may become independent, questioning authority and seeking external validation. In adulthood, they often struggle with self-esteem but may also develop resilience and emotional awareness.
Golden Child
The praise, favor, and special treatment given to the golden child regardless of actual merit, can create pressure to live up to impossible standards. They may struggle with entitlement, perfectionism, or difficulty forming an independent identity. In adulthood, they may feel lost or disconnected from their true self, often realizing they were being manipulated to fit the mold of the overbearing parent.
Role Shifts and Sibling Strain
These roles serve to maintain control in the family, with the golden child upholding the parent's ideal image and the scapegoat absorbing blame. Sometimes, roles can shift over time based on the parent's needs or family circumstances. Who was once the golden child can fall from their pedestal leading the scapegoat to suddenly incur the narcissistic parent’s praise—a confusing and dramatic shift, often only adding to anxious attachment between parent and child.
Siblings often have a strained relationship because of this dynamic, as the golden child may unknowingly reinforce the scapegoat's suffering while the scapegoat holds resentment towards their favored sibling. Siblings may be pitted against one another by the narcissistic parent, who needs to maintain chaos in order to assert control over their family members. This is often exhibited by the narcissistic parent comparing one sibling to the other and making statements like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Many people dealing with emotionally immature parents find that their relationships with siblings remain complicated well into adulthood, even long after leaving the toxic family environment.
Breaking Free
Recognizing and understanding the roles is the first step toward healing. The identified scapegoat may need to build self-worth outside of the family’s narrative while the golden child may need to unlearn unrealistic expectations and take the journey to find their own identity. Therapy, such as narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, self-reflection, and boundary-setting can help both escape the roles imposed on them by their dysfunctional families. They can even heal their relationship with each other in the process.
Reclaim Your Identity with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Growing up with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent can leave you trapped in harmful roles that shape your sense of self. Whether you were labeled the scapegoat or placed on a pedestal as the golden child, the emotional toll of these dynamics doesn’t just disappear with age. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist specializing in online therapy for adult children of narcissistic parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina. Together, we’ll untangle the impact of your upbringing, challenge the narratives that no longer serve you, and help you step into a life of self-trust and emotional freedom.
Learn More About Me and My Services
You don’t have to stay stuck in the roles imposed on you—healing is possible.
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for people living in larger bodies, I offer personalized care tailored to your unique experiences. Together, we can work toward greater empowerment, emotional well-being, and a life where you feel truly seen.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair is a dedicated therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents in North Carolina & South Carolina, helping individuals untangle the emotional wounds left by growing up in dysfunctional family dynamics. With a deep understanding of how roles like the scapegoat and golden child shape self-worth, she works with clients to break free from the narratives imposed on them. Her path to becoming a licensed professional counselor (LPC) was driven by a passion for guiding others toward self-trust and healing. Before entering the mental health field in 2012, Stephanie worked as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., and served as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps.
Today, Stephanie specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina, offering a supportive space for those dealing with the long-term effects of emotional manipulation and control. With advanced training from Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she helps clients understand how childhood experiences continue to impact their boundaries, relationships, and sense of self. Whether you’re dealing with emotionally immature parents, or struggling to break out of a role imposed by a narcissistic parent, Stephanie provides compassionate, no-nonsense support. Her goal is to help you rewrite your story—on your terms—so you can step into a future of self-trust, confidence, and emotional freedom.