The Healing Fantasy: Why You Keep Setting Yourself Up for Disappointment with Your Emotionally Immature Parent
They’re illogical. They’re contradictory. They’re hypocritical. They’re riddled with flaws, yet they hyperfocus on all the ways YOU don’t live up to THEIR standard.
Sound familiar? Pretty frustrating, isn’t it?
No matter how hard you try, nothing you do seems to be good enough for your EI parent.
In childhood, when it came to your grades, the friends you chose, the way you wore your hair or the hobbies you enjoyed, it felt like much of what you did and who you were was met with disapproval or condemnation. Now, as an adult, things might not feel much different. Maybe the disapproval is more subtle, as your emotionally immature parent recognizes their diminished ability to yield control over your choices. Maybe they’ve replaced overt disapproval with passive-aggressive statements like, “So that’s how you’re wearing your hair now?” or “Where did you get that rug?!?!”
If this hits close to home, therapy for adult children of emotionally immature parents can help you unpack these patterns, find clarity, and start setting boundaries that protect your peace.
Along with the Criticism Comes Other Problematic Behavior.
Does your emotionally immature parent deny they ever said something to you? Do they say they don’t care where you go to dinner but then complain about the food/service/atmosphere of the restaurant you chose? Maybe they criticize the way you manage your finances but then they make an extravagant purchase beyond their own financial means. And do they always have a rationale for whatever decision they make, however illogical?
When you think about the emotional suffering you have felt at the hands of your EI parent, do you feel compelled to address it with them? Maybe you have tried to confront them in the past. How did that go? Did you feel like they were able to receive what you had to say? Or did they try to defend themselves by either denying they ever did/said it, claiming they don’t remember, or counter-attacking you making themselves the victim in the situation? (See DARVO). Maybe you got a bullshit apology that sounded something like, “I’m sorry YOU took it the wrong way.”
Enough Is Enough!
You get tired…tired of trying to figure out how you always seem to be doing life wrong in their eyes. At some point, you realize their behavior might not actually just be a reaction to how YOU aren’t living up to their expectations. You somehow climb out of the abyss of self-loathing and start to consider the idea that THEY might be the problem. Not you.
Thus begins a new mission. You refocus your efforts from trying to meet their impossible expectations to figuring out a way to show them how unfair, hypocritical, contradictory and illogical their behavior is. Since previous efforts to challenge their harmful behavior haven’t worked, maybe you earnestly research effective communication skills, assuming that if you just approach them the right way, they will understand and take accountability. Maybe you’ve even tried out some new communication strategies, but your efforts didn’t get you very far. So, you go back to the drawing board…researching, reading, listening to podcasts, talking to friends or a therapist for adult children of emotionally immature parents , diligently honing your communication and conflict resolution skills so that the next time, your voice will be honored and considered. It doesn’t work and so you try, try again.
You’re nothing if not persistent. And your EI parent is nothing if not consistent.
If you step back and take a mile-high view of your interactions with your EI parent, what do you notice? Yes, they’re illogical, contradictory, hypocritical, etc. But isn’t that their pattern? Haven’t they shown you that they are consistent in that pattern?
If you delve into the content of the interactions—the he said, she said…blah, blah, blah…it might not seem so consistent. They said this and then they contradicted themselves by saying this. Or they SAID this but then DID that. Is their pattern of contradicting themselves consistent? Is their behavior immutably self-centered and unempathetic?
Alas, there is method to their madness!
Will vs. Ability
Many adult children of emotionally immature parents hang on to this idea that their parent is being willfully problematic and therefore, can choose a different way of interacting with others. This can lead to grossly over-estimating the parent’s emotional capabilities. This is particularly hard when their behavior would likely be perceived as unreasonable, irrational, etc. by the general public. I mean, how could they not see how ridiculous they are acting, right?!
The reality is they can’t. The reality is it doesn’t serve their self-centered agenda to do so, therefore they aren’t capable. They simply can’t. And depending on how far along they are on the spectrum of emotional immaturity, that’s not likely to change.
Ironically, there is some good news here. This means it isn’t about you, the adult child of the EI parent. Their “crazy” behavior is a reflection of their own limited capabilities, rather than how they view you or your worth. They aren’t choosing to be an asshole because they think you’re not worth being treated better. It’s not personal. Let me say that again for the cheap seats….
IT'S NOT PERSONAL.
It hurts, but it’s not personal. The EI parent is just showing up in the world the only way they can.
Liberation
When you realize that the behavior is not about you, you can then begin the process of LETTING GO. You can give up the hustle to prove your self-worth to them and just go be yourself in all your glory.
Part of this process involves deciding what boundaries you need in your relationship with your EI parent. Some individuals need to go no-contact, Others may just need to create some emotional or physical distance. The important thing is to look inside yourself to see what you need and give yourself permission to advocate for yourself in that relationship. It’s not easy but once you let go of the guilt, you’ll notice magical things start to happen, like the waning of anxiety, increased confidence, better sleep, etc. With acceptance comes peace.
Find Support Through Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapy in North Carolina
Grieving the parent you never had is one of the hardest parts of healing—but it’s also one of the most freeing. If you're beginning to realize that your parent may never be able to show up in the ways you needed, you don’t have to navigate that grief alone. I’m Stephanie St. Clair, a therapist for adult children of narcissistic personality disorder parents, offering narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina & South Carolina. Together, we can work through the loss, process the anger, and help you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have long been buried beneath shame, guilt, and self-doubt.
Learn More About My Services
Grieve the parent you needed and reclaim your voice in therapy that meets you where you are.SCHEDULE A SESSION AND STOP LIVING LIKE EVERYTHING’S YOUR FAULT
START PROCESSING THE PAIN OF A PARENT WHO COULDN’T SOW UP
Other Therapy Services Offered at St. Clair Psychotherapy
In addition to narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina, I provide a safe, affirming space for LGBTQIA+ individuals and people living in larger bodies. My approach is rooted in empathy and respect, helping you explore your identity, navigate societal pressures, and build self-acceptance. Whether you’re seeking therapy for LGBTQIA+ folx or support for navigating life in a larger body, I offer personalized care that honors your unique experiences and supports your healing journey.
About Stephanie St. Clair, MA LPC
Stephanie St. Clair is a licensed professional counselor who deeply understands the grief, confusion, and quiet heartbreak that come from growing up with an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent. She specializes in helping adult children untangle the emotional aftermath—especially the self-blame, guilt, and longing for the parent they never truly had. Stephanie’s path to becoming a therapist began after working as a technical writer in Washington, D.C., and later serving as an education volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps. Since entering the mental health field in 2012, she has supported children, families, and adults across a range of clinical settings.
Today, Stephanie provides narcissistic abuse recovery therapy in North Carolina and South Carolina. Her work centers on helping clients move through the grieving process, understand the limitations of their parents, and begin to reconnect with their own inner wisdom. With compassion and clarity, she helps clients release unrealistic expectations, set healthy boundaries, and find peace in the truth of their lived experience—so they can finally begin to live for themselves.